Soldier
by WhitR
Summary: "You need someone to ease the pain of living life. You're like a soldier in the fray, seeking shelter from all the madness that you've seen raining down now." – 'Soldier' by the Goo Goo Dolls. Peeta struggles to find his place in life following the fall of the Capitol. Pre-epilogue. [[Full summary inside]]


******Note: **This is not really a song fic. Just something that popped into my head after listening to Soldier by the Goo Goo Dolls one night. The events of this story take place toward the end of Mockingjay (after the Capitol fell), but before the epilogue. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it, and any feedback would be greatly appreciated! And oh yeah, if you recognize any characters, places, etc., then I don't own them. I only own Willow, Raelyn, Heiskell, and any other characters not mentioned in the Hunger Games trilogy.

**Title: **Soldier

**Full Summary**: Even after President Snow's reign of terror ended, Peeta Mellark still fights the effects of the hijacking. His unstable nature pushes Katniss into the arms of Gale and get him put back into the mental ward of the hospital in the Capitol. Willow Klimer is a childless widow who bonds with Peeta in the hospital. She is determined to help Peeta get a chance at a relatively normal life again. As Peeta struggles to fit into society once more, he becomes friends with Willow's niece Raelyn.

However, Willow and Raelyn have a secret they want kept from Peeta. A secret that could shatter Peeta's new life if he ever discovered the truth.

_I know things change_  
_Your world has slipped away_  
_I know things change_  
_But you're living like a soldier_  
_Who's caught in the fray_

_Don't lose your faith_  
_It's not so cold_  
_It's not too late_

_- Soldier, Goo Goo Dolls_

* * *

It had been over a month since the rebels succeeded in their mission to overthrow the Capitol. Panem began rebuilding from all the destruction caused by the war. Thirteen Districts once again stood, but nearly all had a long road of recovery ahead of them. Everyone set to work trying to piece their broken lives back together. Families tried to find loved ones they were separated from during the chaos of the Capitol's bombings in some districts. Others simply tried to fall back into their usual daily routine as their way to return to some form of normalcy.

The days dragged by for many Panem residents after the rebellion, especially Peeta Mellark. He was captured by former president, Coriolanus Snow, during the Seventy-Fifth Hunger Games after his fellow District Twelve tribute Katniss Everdeen had destroyed the outer force field of the arena. The rebellion began to rally shortly after that. However, Peeta was left behind in the arena. Snow's men tortured him for information he never had about the rebellion. Peeta tried to make his captors realize he had no answers for a majority of their questions, but they never believed him. Instead, they beat him to get the facts from him. They even used venom from genetically altered creatures known as tracker jackers to warp his memories of Katniss. They used him as a way to get to break the Katniss, but that only fueled her fire. Peeta was rescued before the rebels began their move toward the Capitol, but he was nearly too far gone by then. He lost all but a shred of his sanity at the hands of the Capitol.

Katniss—the Mockingjay, the face of the rebellion, the girl Peeta loved and would have sacrificed his life for—moved on with her life. Only because Peeta gave her no other option. He nearly killed her once and continually fought off the urge to kill her after he was rescued from the Capitol. The hijacking he endured virtually rendered most of his memories of her as unreliable. While she had tried to help him sort out his memories of her, the damage was done. The part of him that loved her was still there, but it was hidden well beneath the hatred the Capitol had programmed into him.

Peeta's last talk with Katniss resulted in his current situation within the Capitol hospital. In the midst of telling her he had to let her go, he had another outburst that led to him grabbing her by her throat. He remembered the way she looked at him. The terror in her eyes when he once again tried to kill her. He could no longer deny it after that. Things would never work out the way he once dreamed of.

To protect Katniss Everdeen one last time, Peeta pushed her away to keep her safe from him.

All those days of hoping his acts of love and confessions during the Games would make her see how much he loved her were now meaningless. He became a pawn in their Games and paid the price in his efforts to protect the girl he loved. The last time he heard anything about Katniss was when he caught two nurses gossiping about the Mockingjay one evening. Katniss had moved to District Two and was engaged to Gale Hawthorne, her best friend from Distrtict Twelve. Peeta hated that she wasn't with him, but deep down he knew Gale would take care of Katniss.

Peeta often wondered what he would do with his life now. His days were spent mostly confined to the hospital. He had no privacy unless he was shut up in his designated room. Otherwise, everywhere he went, a guard wasn't too far behind. The torture he endured at the hands of Snow's men did more than change his memories of Katniss. The line between reality and imagination became blurred sometimes. He lashed out in his confusion when it happened. He was a danger to himself and to others. His outbursts left the nurses either afraid or irritated. Nobody really took the time to talk to him anymore. Most of the other patients in the hospital ignored him, even when he would try to talk to them. He imagined most were probably afraid of him. Sometimes he thought of breaking out and returning home to District Twelve.

Then he remembered….

He had no home to return to in District Twelve. His home had been destroyed when the Capitol bombed the district. His father, mother, and two brothers died in the attack. He literally had nothing left. Being stuck back in the hospital only reminded him of all the sacrifices he had made during the Games, only to end up with nothing. How could he have let them fool him so easily? He had always been the one they used to make sure things worked out in favor of Katniss.

Thoughts always ran rampant through his mind when he thought of the Games. Sometimes he thought of the kids who had died. Other times he tried to figure out what was real and what wasn't, especially when it came to Katniss, and how he managed to survive. He spent many hours trying to decipher his thoughts until he occasionally drove himself mad. It was during that point when someone would rush in to inject him with something to sedate him. Usually, it was a nurse who was unfortunate enough to be forced by one of the Healers to deal with him. Peeta hated the way the nurses looked at him. They did not see him as someone who aided in the rebels' victory. Nor was he a victor in the 74th Hunger Games to them. No, to them he was a mentally unstable nuisance that needed to be locked away and forgotten about.

It was that last thought that always hit the hardest. Loneliness became his silent companion. His fragile mind resorted to causing him to talk to himself every once in a while just so he could feel as though he wasn't completely alone in the room. Sometimes he wished he could sneak one of the nightlock pills off a nurse and end it all swiftly.

Nightmares plagued him almost every night. Most were so bad they left him awake for hours, afraid to fall asleep again. Nobody who passed his room at night would ever know it though. Peeta suffered in silence at night. He never cried out. Instead, the night terrors left him paralyzed in fear. None of the nurses ever mentioned anything about his nightmares. Peeta assumed that was because none knew about them. Or if they did, they weren't speaking about them. He always believed nurses were kind souls who genuinely cared about other people. The ones who looked after him either lacked that level of compassion or held contempt toward him because he often made their jobs difficult.

Some days were better than others, though. During a particularly long span of better days, Peeta was given an opportunity to spend time outside of the hospital. Willow Klimer, the owner of the bakery around the corner from the hospital, stopped by to bring her unsold loaves of bread to the hospital staff one evening. She noticed Peeta in the kitchen that day. He made a comment about the different types of bread she had brought. His knowledge in baking piqued her interest, and two days later, Willow returned to ask if Peeta could be allowed to help her in her bakery since she currently ran it completely on her own.

Peeta jumped at the chance to help Willow. It allowed him to get out of the hospital, away from all the scrutinizing eyes of the nurses, doctors, and the other patients. More importantly, it gave him a chance to feel relatively normal again. Going to the bakery became therapeutic. It gave him something to focus on other than the reminders of what happened during the Games. Of course, it also reminded him of everything he had lost when the Capitol bombed District Twelve.

His father had owned the bakery in Twelve and taught Peeta all he knew. Peeta loved his father, but he wasn't sure he could say the same about his mother. She always punished him for the smallest of things like accidentally spilling flour or burning bread. Peeta wondered if maybe his mother simply hated him. She never showed much love toward anyone else in the family, but his older brother and his younger brother rarely, if ever, incurred her wrath like Peeta did. His brothers always tried to come to his rescue when their mother would really lose her temper when Peeta was younger.

But all of that was in the past. He had nobody to save him now.

He heaved a sigh as he looked out the window of the bakery. The sky darkened as rain pelted the windows. Peeta watched the water droplets run down the glass for a moment. The day had been hectic, full of numerous customers coming in and having to rush to complete the demands they had. Some recognized Peeta. He tried not to focus on the looks they gave him. There were looks of sympathy. A few looks of curiosity, as though they were unsure of why he was out of the hospital. A couple people even looked as though they were afraid of him when he had stepped of the kitchen to bring some pastries to Willow to give to the customers. It was those looks of fear that made him feel the worst.

His goal during the Games had been to remain himself. He refused to change who he was or how he acted just to fit the Capitol's agenda. But he _had_ changed. He would never go back to who he was before the Games.

Peeta kept quiet all day, but the day's work wore him out more than he expected. Nightmares kept him awake nearly all night for the last week. He had gotten maybe eight hours of sleep between the last five days. Still, he pressed on so he would not disappoint Willow. Peeta looked around for the bakery owner. If Willow knew Peeta felt ill, she would tell him to return to the hospital and rest. The truth was he did not want to spend any more time in the hospital than he had to. He enjoyed being at the bakery. Willow was the closest thing to a friend he had, but he never talked to her a whole lot. Not because she was not a friendly person, but mostly because Peeta had no idea how to really interact with the older woman. She was in her late thirties with a genuinely kind nature. Her motherly demeanor was so unlike what Peeta's mother's had been that it left him confused as to how to truly react to her.

Peeta remembered the first day he was allowed to go to the bakery and had to be escorted by a guard. His unstable nature meant he could potentially harm Willow or one of the people who came into the bakery. Heiskell Bahr had been assigned as his guard for the days he spent in the bakery. Peeta felt slightly intimidated by the muscled man who towered over him and did what he could to make Peeta realize he would not hesitate to do something if he stepped over the line. Heiskell even tried to throw his weight around the first day at the bakery, but Willow would have none of it.

"_What do you mean you're his guard?" Willow looked at the tall, muscled man standing in front of her. Peeta stood off to the side, unsure of how to react to the unfolding situation. Tension bristled in the air. "I don't need you poking your nose around in my business, Heiskell."_

"_If I have to leave, so does the kid," Heiskell replied gruffly. "He's a danger to others, and I have to make sure nobody gets harmed while he's out of the hospital. President Paylor himself even gave the orders to the head of the hospital. He wants people to feel safe, and the last thing we need is someone causing problems after all that has happened. Especially someone like him."_

"_He's a kid!" Willow defended. She looked at Peeta then back up at his guard. "I know what he tried to do to the Mockingjay, but that doesn't mean he's inherently dangerous. Look at what he was put through! Nobody would be in their right mind after that! You're all treating him like a nuisance! He's a frightened, confused kid who's stuck in a place he doesn't belong."_

"_The kid is more than a nuisance!" Heiskell shot back. "I didn't go through training at the academy only to end up as a damn babysitter!"_

"_Heiskell," Willow raised the rolling pin in her hand, pointing one end at Heiskell's face. "I will beat you with this rolling pin myself if you mistreat him. And don't think I won't do it. Or have you forgotten that time you thought you could come in here and start trouble? I kicked your ass then, and I'll do it again!"_

_Peeta watched as Heiskell's serious expression faltered for just a split second. It was the first time he had ever seen the man actually look anything less than serious. Evidently, Willow wasn't joking about the incident she mentioned. He watched Willow stare Heiskell down. She was easily half Heiskell's size and about a foot shorter than his six-foot-seven frame. Yet the larger man seemed almost terrified of the rolling pin wielding woman. An odd moment of amusement caused a smile to tug at the corners of Peeta's mouth. _

"_What are you smiling at, boy?" Heiskell glared at him. "I ought'a—"_

"_Heiskell!" Willow stomped her foot, keeping the rolling pin raised. "Look, you can stay here when he's here, but you're to keep out of the kitchen. You can sit out here at one of the tables, but you're not to come into the kitchen unless I call for your assistance."_

"_Now, Willow, do you really think that's a good idea?" Heiskell nodded toward Peeta. "The boy could turn on you. He's tried to hurt a couple of the nurses, you know."_

"_Don't worry, Heiskell," Willow lowered the rolling pin and turned her attention to Peeta. "I think I can manage with him. Besides, if I can kick your ass, then I'm pretty sure I can handle this kid."_

"_You'll never let me live that down, will you?"_

"_Never," Willow smiled. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to take Peeta into the kitchen so we can get started on the day's orders. Help yourself to one of my fruit pastries in the display case there. Just took them out of the oven a few minutes before you two came in."_

"_Fine," Heiskell muttered, narrowing his steel gray eyes at Willow. "But you better let me know when he steps out of line. I'll be more than happy to deal with the kid myself."_

"_I already warned you," Willow raised the rolling pin again. "You will not lay a hand on him. Got that?"_

"_Yes, Willow," Heiskell forced his answer. _

"Well, Peeta," Willow's voice interrupted his reverie as stepped back into the kitchen area of the bakery. Her brunette hair was pulled back into a tight bun, and she had smudges of flour on her hands. "I think we're done in here for the day. I've put the last few loaves into the oven. I close up shop in a couple hours, and I don't think too many more people will come in since it's raining so much outside. Thanks for working so hard today."

"You're welcome, Mrs. Klimer." He always stuck to formalities when addressing her.

"How many times do I have to tell you?" Willow asked seriously. "Call me Willow. You make me feel old when you call me Mrs. Klimer."

Her playful scorning made Peeta smile very faintly. His smile faltered after just a couple seconds. Peeta struggled to find a reason to be happy anymore. It was rare that he ever smiled. Willow noticed the small smile, but she never acknowledged it. Peeta respected Willow for how she treated him. She was motherly toward him—well, what he assumed was motherly—but she never pressured him to talk about things. Willow seemed to have a sixth sense when it came to when he did and didn't want to talk. She never mentioned the Games unless Peeta said something first. She also stuck to her word from that first day. Heiskell remained outside in the dining area, no matter what.

Even when he had outbursts while in the kitchen, Willow never once called for Heiskell to come in. She kept her distance so Peeta couldn't harm her, but she never left the room. That was the one thing Peeta picked up on after the third episode he had. She never left him alone. Once it was over, Willow would simply give him a sympathetic smile before helping him clean up any mess he had made in a fit of rage. One on occasion, Willow had been brave enough to hug him after an outburst. The act of affection had felt so foreign that Peeta pushed her away almost as soon as she had her arms around him. He still wasn't sure if it was because for a moment he struggled to get a grip on reality or if it was because he didn't know how to react to an older woman trying to act motherly toward him.

His return to the hospital the first time he had an outburst left him terrified he had ruined his chance to actually be allowed outside the hospital. Heiskell heard the commotion and came into the kitchen, but Willow told him to leave. Peeta recalled how she handled the situation with poise, never once getting angry at him for making a mess. Heiskell had to report the incident to the Healer in charge of Peeta's care. Once again, Willow came to his defense. The next day, she came to the hospital to explain that she still wanted him to help her.

Since then, Peeta tried to control his episodes. But that was easier said than done. A few happened because he overheard people in the bakery talking about the Games or Katniss. Some days, he had no idea why he snapped. He would be working on something, and the slightest mistake in his work would result in frustration that set him off. Then there was the one day when someone had knocked over a chair out in the small area where the tables were. When it clattered against the floor, the harsh noise echoed into the kitchen. It caused Peeta to react as though someone had shot at him. Willow remained calm and collected. She waited for him to calm down then carried on as though nothing major ever happened.

Peeta sometimes wondered what his life would have been like if his own mother had cared about him like Willow seemed to. How different his life would be if Willow were his mother…

"That small cake you made for that Peacemaker for his daughter's birthday was fantastic, by the way," Willow grinned. "I have never seen someone who could decorate a cake like that. It was fantastic! I can only imagine what you could do with a larger cake and more time. Where did you learn how to do that?"

"My father," Peeta answered. He looked away when memories flooded his mind. "He taught me all of what I know. He owned the bakery in Twelve."

"I'll bet he's proud of you, huh?"

"He's dead," Peeta met her gaze. "He died when the Capitol bombed Twelve. So did my mother and two brothers."

"Oh," Willow frowned. "I'm sorry."

"Why?" Peeta questioned. "It wasn't your fault. You shouldn't apologize for something you didn't do."

"Valid point," Willow replied. She looked awkwardly around the room then met his gaze again. "Well, I guess I'll apologize for bringing that up."

Peeta knew she wanted to ask him more about his family. He silently thanked her for not pressing any further. The day was nearly over, and for that, he was thankful. Willow had begun to look at him with a look of sympathy that bordered on pity. He didn't want anyone to pity him. He closed his eyes for a few seconds as the headache that lingered all day suddenly returned full force. When he opened his eyes again, Willow looked at him curiously. It was obvious she knew he wasn't feeling well.

"Are you feeling okay?"

"I'm just tired," Peeta answered. He tried not to show how he really felt. "I didn't get much sleep last night."

Peeta took a step toward the oven to help Willow. A sudden wave of dizziness hit. The entire room spun. He gripped the counter to keep from falling. Willow was instantly by his side. She gently held onto his arm and guided him to a nearby chair. Peeta collapsed onto it.

"If you're not feeling well, you should have said something."

"I'm okay," he tried to hide his discomfort.

"Why didn't you say something?" she looked down at him.

Peeta shrugged. He just didn't want Willow to worry about him.

"Don't you realize that working in here when you're sick could make my customers sick too?" Willow asked in disbelief. "What were you thinking?"

"I'm sorry! I didn't—"

"Peeta," Willow's voice sounded a lot gentler. "It's all right. You really should have said something though. How long have you been feeling bad?"

"I don't know," Peeta answered. "A day or two? I really don't know. When nightmares keep you up all night, it's easy to lose track of just many days have actually passed."

The room spun again. He knew something wasn't right. Fatigue hit him like he had just ran into a brick wall. He barely had the energy to open his eyes again to look at Willow. He blinked a couple times, trying to focus on the worried face in front of his.

"Peeta?" Willow leaned down toward him. "Hey, sweetheart, look at me."

"W-Willow," Peeta struggled to speak. "I don't… feel… so good."

His world started to go black. He heard Willow yell out his name just before his body slumped forward in the chair. Peeta succumbed to the darkness before he even felt Willow catch him to stop his descent to the floor.

* * *

**You'll learn a little more about Willow and why she was so interested in giving Peeta a chance to work for her in the next chapter. Reviews are kindly welcomed! I'd love to hear from you and get your thoughts on this! Also, this is not an already completed story. I'll be making it up as I go, and if someone reviews with an idea/suggestion that I think will fit into the story, I might just include it somehow in a later chapter. **

**~Whit**


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